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OneInsaneWabbit
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Name: Amber S.
State: Georgia
Metro: Macon
Birthday: 12/19/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading, writing, God, Christianity, friends, late nights, kissing, Harry Potter, music, food, fantasy, shopping, clothes, weird quirks, dark chocolate, Vegas style solitaire, religion and philosophy, history, libraries, animals, intellectual conversations, sleeping in late, tattoos and piercings, coca-cola, body spray, hot baths, renovating, painting walls, figuring something out, sometimes studying, nanowrimo, down comforters, good movies, boys at times, extra sharp cheddar cheese, hair straighteners, sports in general, silk therapy, chess, life.
Expertise: Stripping paint.
Occupation: Cashier/Friend/Writer/Critic.
Industry: Life.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  OneInsaneWabbit
Yahoo:  Btrfly3001
MSN: PsychoTeenyBopper@hotmail.com
Member Since:
11/16/2003
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| It's a cold and a broken hallelujah.Mmm, I love days like today. The sun is out, I'm perfectly content to be by myself and just get in my car and go. Of course, I managed to get hopelessly lost, and had to call someone to ask where the hell I was. It was fun, I wasn't worried; I had half a tank of gas, my cell phone, my wallet + debit card and my trustworthy sidekick Puppy. He's ferocious, he would have ripped someone apart had they attempted to bother me. The way I figured it, I would hit a main road eventually and then figure out how to get back to my little old hometown. It's beautiful out today, the sun is shining, the weather is nice. I love the spring.
I have to start work back up tomorrow, and work through the weekend. I don't mind too much, I need the hours in order to be able to save for Europe. I just hate wasting spring weather inside. It should be spent outside frolicking in the sun. Yay for sunshine! I like the sun, even if it isn't too fond of me. I have an allergy to the sun, it would seem. Fifteen minutes in it gives me fifteen days of sunburn. That could be an exaggeration, but you may never know. Still, I love it in spite of its anger towards my skin.
I tried cocaine(the energy drink) last night for the first time. It burned my entire head. My throat, tongue, lips and ears were burning. I've always been susceptible towards spicy things to begin with, so you can imagine my reaction with it. It was an interesting drink. I read the warnings on it, caused me to hesitate a little before drinking it. Caffeine just has no effect on me though, I was asleep an hour after I drank it. It's supposed to be three and a half times stronger than Red Bull. Perhaps it is? I don't know, it was my first energy drink ever. I just wanted to try it out because of the name. =]
I think I'm going to make myself a resume and go to a temp agency. We have two here in town. I had the idea planted into my head last night and I rather like it. I can type quickly, I'm adequate at computers, and I have phone skills. Maybe I could be somebody's secretary. Even if I don't make a lot of money doing it, I would be happy with a dollar or two raise, considering I'm only making $5.50 an hour now. After you take taxes out of that, and consider I only get about twenty hours a week on average, I'm not doing too well moneywise. I mean, I'm making money, but I'm not making my monthly quota for Europe and it's starting to upset me a little. I don't know, I figure it won't hurt anything to try. I'll just have to make myself look impressive. 100 words a minute and all that.
I think I shall go find myself a spot in the grass and read now. Good day, good bye and good riddance.
--Amber | | |
| You don't know me, you don't even care.Has it really been that long since I've updated? I know it doesn't feel that long. I think perhaps because I tried to update the other day to no avail. My computer was stupid, but now it's smart again.
I want to be able to play the piano. It's such a pretty instrument. Almost all of the music I enjoy listening to has major piano pieces in them. I think I just find keys lovely. I love just typing away, even if it's about nothing in particular. I think that I would find the piano to be the same.
In a months time my world has been turned upside down. I have learned to survive [mainly] on my own, I have lost friends, I have gained friends, I have learned more about myself, I have become a solitary figure, I've learned to function on my own. It's weird to me how people can change so easily. Perhaps because I don't change that much myself. How can your feelings for something in particular be so fleeting? I don't understand it. I am a heart. A walking, talking heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. To the people I bond with I'm loyal. I'm a loyal person in general, I was raised to be loyal to my family and have had that drilled into my head my entire life. That overflows to my friends as well. I want to be the best friend that I possibly can to all of my friends, even if they aren't my best friend. Everyone has flaws, everyone fails in some area. I know I'm bitchy and vindictive at times, but who isn't? I react out of emotion, not calculated thinking. But as it is, not everyone is focused on being the best friend that they can be. In reality most people don't care at all.
So in that I'm utterly lost and confused. If you say you're going to do something, or be a certain way, then by all means be that way. Be up front with me, don't say you're going to be one way and then act a completely different way. If you have my loyalty or confidence, it'll stay that way until you've committed some heinous crime and I can never look you in the eyes again. I am not a fleeting person, it's as simple as that. I don't have fleeting whims of when I want something, and then a few moments later couldn't care less if I had it or not. I dislike such things.
I went to Savannah yesterday. It was divine. It wasn't what I expected, but I wouldn't change it if I could (Except perhaps giving us all a little more sleep and making the water a few degrees warmer.) I had a good, relaxing time. Danielle and I usually have intensely crazy times when we're together, regardless of what we're doing. She must be trouble and I must be adventure(Or is it the other way around?); mix the two and beware of the chemical reaction it causes. So yesterday was a change from the norm. We did do some interesting things; eating at those little tables was one of my favorites.
Forgive my rambling post, I just wanted to type. =] | | |
| Happy St. Patrick's Day.I hope you had a happy one. I say this with as much sincerity as I can muster. I am an emotionally spent human being, yearning after complete freedom from emotions and emotional attachment. Emotional detachment would make life a breeze, but would it be a life worth living? My life is quickly turning into a mundane pattern, my days defined by work, my nights defined by fellow xangans, my sensitive emotions have been prodded so much that they’re slowly hardening and producing good sized callouses. Is this a good thing, I can't help but wonder? Will I lose my naivety and desire to help the world? Will I become a hardened old lady at the age of eighteen who gives a damn about nothing except for herself?
I want what I want. Everyone does. I don’t like “taking one for the team”, I don’t like looking at things “objectively.” Everything is objective and open for scrutiny. Everyone has different views on things and opinions about how things should be done and how emotions should be handled. Well fuck looking at things objectively, I want things the way I want them to be and nothing will discourage me from that except for maybe myself. I’m an intensely stubborn asshole, but at least I’m honest about the fact.
I’m stubborn, loyal, honest, intelligent, spiteful, and at times vindictive person. I do the things I do because it’s how I want to act, not how my family wants me to act, not how a friend wants me to act, but how I want to act. I base my decisions on my wants and needs. And yet, sometimes I get irrationally pissed off when someone does the same thing. It’s about consideration and respect. Considerate? I try to be to a certain extent, without letting myself be walked over. I sometimes mess that one up, I'm aware. Respect? I’ll give it when its been earned. I’m not a fake person, like I previously stated--I’m an honest, open person. Closed off at times, but only the reason why. I’ve been told that I can be “read like an open book.” This fact irritates me, I have an unsated need to be my idea of perfection. I hate showing weakness, I don't like people I'm not close to knowing I'm upset. I don't want people knowing when something has pissed me off if it doesn't concern them, and above all I don't want to give people a reason to throw something back in my face about something I did in a moment of weakness. Which upsets me even further; Care about their opinions? I shouldn't. So why do I get upset when some opinions are said? When something has been thrown back into my face? According to myself, it shouldn't be worth my time or effort. I don’t trust easily, I believe everyone has a hidden agenda for the things they do, and am often let down by dispensing my trust around. Weakness = Crying. Weakness = anger. Weakness = Spite. Weakness = Arrogance. Weakness = Hate.
I despise weakness.
Crying? I am above it, crying is something emotional girls do when their boyfriend doesn’t pay them enough attention, or when babies need their diapers changed. Anger? Anger is when someone strikes someone to feel superior. Spite? Spite is the feeling you get when you weren’t quite “good” enough in someones opinion and resent the person who was. Arrogance? Arrogance is the trickiest one of all, where is the line between confidence and arrogance? Arrogance is when you truly believe you are better, superior, invaluable. Hate? Hate is the most toxic and works quickly, poisoning your thoughts and dominating your other emotions. Hate is an emotion that is completely useless and unfulfilling, it’s wasteful to yourself, your well being, your peace of mind; being wasteful is a sin.
I don’t know. I wish I had more people I feel like I can turn to. I wish I wasn’t so distrustful. I wish I wasn’t so down on life. I wish I wasn’t so worried about things that are out of my hands. I just wish for one day, my life was normal.
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| Breaking News:I shall be getting my car tomorrow, or Monday. It will be mine, all mine. Of course, that is if it works, runs properly, and I'm going to have to do some serious cleaning because it's been shut up since November, at least. But it matters not, it's mine. =]
In more serious news, I have a free day today. I'm happy, because I've had a busy week. Yesterday was the busiest. I went to some friends house last night who were having a party--it was fun. Not crazy, hilarious fun; but I wasn't apart of the bigger group either. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't generally like big groups of people. Especially when there isn't a goal and everyone is just trying to scream over each other. If we were all playing an active game (like football or something), then the screaming would be acceptable. They were playing red rover, but because my belly button is newly pierced it wouldn't have been the smartest idea in the world to barrel stomach first into some people. As it is, it just irritates me when we're just sitting around being loud. I had fun though, I played DDR, bang around on some drums, I hung out with close friends, and near the end of the night I found myself in the living room with two good friends just hanging out and talking. I'm a lame person, I know. I just tend to be more laid back, I'm not hyper, crazy and need to be the center of attention to have a good time.
I like the people I work with. I don't have one person who I really dislike, including my managers. I like that, I like when it's slow and I can just stand around talking to everyone. I enjoy talking. I'm a talkative person, and I'll talk about almost anything (maybe it won't be all that intellectual, but I'll talk nonetheless). I sometimes talk to customers at work who stand at the counter waiting for their food. It's fun, and sometimes you get tipped for it. The only kink in that is that you're not supposed to be taking tips, but whatever =].
Today I would like to clean. Clean the kitchen, utility room, my room, and part of the bathroom. Dad is coming (like I previously mentioned) and it would be nice to have the house cleaned up nicely when he gets here. I haven't seen him since Christmas day, strangely enough. It feels like a lot longer than that. Pfft. Time goes by so slowly. This weather is heavenly. Coke makes my mouth happy. Kisses make my mouth happy. Talking makes me happy. Warm weather makes me happy. I'm happy today, I've got/done four out of five! Not bad, not bad. Unless we're counting the day as starting at midnight, because then I'm five for five.
Well I'm signing out and going to start cleaning. It's almost two, and I don't want to be cleaning the entire day.
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| If it weren't for Xanga...I'd be a bitter, mean old lady.
In all honesty, xanga is the best therapy a person can invest in. There's something that feels so nice to rant and rave and act completely crazy, and just getting it all out of your system. It works for me, it puts things into perspective, or at the very least makes me feel the teeniest bit better. For that reason, this entry is dedicated to you, my dear Xanga.
I've been entirely too stressed out about not being around my mom for the next few months. Seriously, it's causing me to go a little crazy. I'm a momma's girl, and without my mom I feel very alone, and sad. I can't help it, I've been homeschooled my entire life, I've never been away to summer camp, and the longest I've been without my mom has been maybe two weeks in eighteen years. So yeah, anxiety about that has been causing me to be snappy and bitchy with everyone. I'm going to be terrible for the first few weeks that she's actually gone and I'm sorry for that. I get so preoccupied with my thoughts sometimes, that I'll just ignore everyone else and their feelings. Like I said, I act on emotions, not rationality. My biggest flaw as of yet.
I got most of it out of my system in my rant last night though. Today was a nice day, I've just been relaxing and enjoying the nice weather. I set up a bank account, I ran errands for my mom, I found out that I'll be getting a cell phone in the next week or two. It's been a nice day, I've been keeping busy and taking time to myself which is always the best. Driving still scares me, but it's nice to be able to just in the car and go. To roll down the windows, turn up the radio, and be by yourself. It's peaceful.
I think that being homeschooled has caused me to enjoy time to myself, and doing my own thing a lot of the time. I don't know, I just don't give a damn about cliques, acting a certain way, or coming off "cool" to someone. I don't have to be around people all the time to be happy, and I don't have to have a boyfriend/guy interested in me to be happy or feel confident. I've always done things I enjoy, or wear clothes that I like regardless of if it's popular or "in". Yes, I enjoy latch-hooking--you got something to say to that? =]
I'm not as socially retarded as I play off being, in fact I'm not socially retarded at all. I have manners, I know how to act around certain groups of people, and I'm intelligent. I claim to be socially retarded just for the fun of it, trying to play the whole "homeschooler" thing. I don't know, homeschoolers are weird. I'll admit it, I think they're some of the weirdest bunch you'll find. You have your ultraconservative Christian homeschoolers, the most common type. God forbid they say the "damn" word, dress in a way that would be considered "enticing", watch "R" rated movies, or read Harry Potter. Then you've got your more weird homeschoolers. The ones who aren't so much ultra conservative, but do their own thing despite if it's cool or not. The ones who've been homeschooled their entire lives, so weren't really exposed to cliques and completely conforming to one scene or the other. It's all about how you're raised when you're homeschooled, and how social you are growing up.
My brother, sister and I were never all that social. We hung out with the kids in our neighborhood, grew up moving a lot, and usually would only have a couple of friends. Not because we were social retards, but because there wasn't ever much of an opportunity to meet kids and be overly social. So we would do things that amused us, we were untouched by the cliques and stereotypes. We would do what we found fun, and surprisingly(or maybe unsurprisingly) we all developed a nerdy personality. We didn't have TV, we would go outside and play usually by ourselves or with one other friend, and so we would come up with the big elaborate stories to play out. Todd and I more than Sarah. It's just interesting, I wonder how I would be if I was in public school all my life? Would I still enjoy reading and writing? Would I still want to do the same things in my life?
Right now I'm your typical nerd. I enjoy computer games, reading fantasy novels, writing, drama and your average old lady arts and crafts. I'm in love with history, Europe, mythology, philosophy, have a broad taste in music and want to become a librarian. How much different would I be if I was in public school my entire life? I like to think that I'd be the same, but who knows? I was easily influenced when I was eight and nine. Who knows if I would have grown out of it if I hadn't been homeschooled and by myself for my earlier teenage years? In an alternate universe, I would like to see how I would be if I wasn't homeschooled, and hadn't moved around my entire life.
As it is, this is how I am now, I enjoy that person and I like that I never conformed to certain stereotypes to be like everyone else. I do the things that I do because I like those things. Which is really how it should always be when you make decisions or like certain things in life. I feel bad for little "Scene" kids who conform to their Hot Topic, or to their American Eagle simply because it's "in" and "cool". It's one of the things that bothers me most about today's society. Why be ashamed of something you enjoy doing because it isn't popular? (Unless it is of course some kinky sex shit, keep that to yourself). I can't fathom being embarrassed because I like Harry Potter or older music.
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