A glimpse into my world.The sometimes inane ramblings of a mad homeschooler
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Original: 3/6/2007 5:44 PM
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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

If it weren't for Xanga...

 
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Nasty Little Thoughts
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I'd be a bitter, mean old lady.

In all honesty, xanga is the best therapy a person can invest in. There's something that feels so nice to rant and rave and act completely crazy, and just getting it all out of your system. It works for me, it puts things into perspective, or at the very least makes me feel the teeniest bit better. For that reason, this entry is dedicated to you, my dear Xanga.

I've been entirely too stressed out about not being around my mom for the next few months. Seriously, it's causing me to go a little crazy. I'm a momma's girl, and without my mom I feel very alone, and sad. I can't help it, I've been homeschooled my entire life, I've never been away to summer camp, and the longest I've been without my mom has been maybe two weeks in eighteen years. So yeah, anxiety about that has been causing me to be snappy and bitchy with everyone. I'm going to be terrible for the first few weeks that she's actually gone and I'm sorry for that. I get so preoccupied with my thoughts sometimes, that I'll just ignore everyone else and their feelings. Like I said, I act on emotions, not rationality. My biggest flaw as of yet.

I got most of it out of my system in my rant last night though. Today was a nice day, I've just been relaxing and enjoying the nice weather. I set up a bank account, I ran errands for my mom, I found out that I'll be getting a cell phone in the next week or two. It's been a nice day, I've been keeping busy and taking time to myself which is always the best. Driving still scares me, but it's nice to be able to just in the car and go. To roll down the windows, turn up the radio, and be by yourself. It's peaceful.

I think that being homeschooled has caused me to enjoy time to myself, and doing my own thing a lot of the time. I don't know, I just don't give a damn about cliques, acting a certain way, or coming off "cool" to someone. I don't have to be around people all the time to be happy, and I don't have to have a boyfriend/guy interested in me to be happy or feel confident. I've always done things I enjoy, or wear clothes that I like regardless of if it's popular or "in". Yes, I enjoy latch-hooking--you got something to say to that? =]

I'm not as socially retarded as I play off being, in fact I'm not socially retarded at all. I have manners, I know how to act around certain groups of people, and I'm intelligent. I claim to be socially retarded just for the fun of it, trying to play the whole "homeschooler" thing. I don't know, homeschoolers are weird. I'll admit it, I think they're some of the weirdest bunch you'll find. You have your ultraconservative Christian homeschoolers, the most common type. God forbid they say the "damn" word, dress in a way that would be considered "enticing", watch "R" rated movies, or read Harry Potter. Then you've got your more weird homeschoolers. The ones who aren't so much ultra conservative, but do their own thing despite if it's cool or not. The ones who've been homeschooled their entire lives, so weren't really exposed to cliques and completely conforming to one scene or the other. It's all about how you're raised when you're homeschooled, and how social you are growing up.

My brother, sister and I were never all that social. We hung out with the kids in our neighborhood, grew up moving a lot, and usually would only have a couple of friends. Not because we were social retards, but because there wasn't ever much of an opportunity to meet kids and be overly social. So we would do things that amused us, we were untouched by the cliques and stereotypes. We would do what we found fun, and surprisingly(or maybe unsurprisingly) we all developed a nerdy personality. We didn't have TV, we would go outside and play usually by ourselves or with one other friend, and so we would come up with the big elaborate stories to play out. Todd and I more than Sarah. It's just interesting, I wonder how I would be if I was in public school all my life? Would I still enjoy reading and writing? Would I still want to do the same things in my life?

Right now I'm your typical nerd. I enjoy computer games, reading fantasy novels, writing, drama and your average old lady arts and crafts. I'm in love with history, Europe, mythology, philosophy, have a broad taste in music and want to become a librarian. How much different would I be if I was in public school my entire life? I like to think that I'd be the same, but who knows? I was easily influenced when I was eight and nine. Who knows if I would have grown out of it if I hadn't been homeschooled and by myself for my earlier teenage years? In an alternate universe, I would like to see how I would be if I wasn't homeschooled, and hadn't moved around my entire life.

As it is, this is how I am now, I enjoy that person and I like that I never conformed to certain stereotypes to be like everyone else. I do the things that I do because I like those things. Which is really how it should always be when you make decisions or like certain things in life. I feel bad for little "Scene" kids who conform to their Hot Topic, or to their American Eagle simply because it's "in" and "cool". It's one of the things that bothers me most about today's society. Why be ashamed of something you enjoy doing because it isn't popular? (Unless it is of course some kinky sex shit, keep that to yourself). I can't fathom being embarrassed because I like Harry Potter or older music.

 Posted 3/6/2007 5:44 PM - 6 Views - 2 eProps - 3 comments

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I've run the educational gamaut - I was expelled from elementary school for misbehaviour, homeschooled for a year, after that two (or was it three? my chronological sense is horrible.) years at Montessori where I was again asked to quit the school for being a little arse, then finished the remaining middle and high school years in public schools. The only thing that all of these places share in commmon is that I was always punished for reading too much; apparently, fifth grade geography is more important than Tolkien, ninth grade literature more important than Bukowski, and drama more important than Goethe's Faust. They've trained me well, over the years - now, I don't read oustide literature in class. I daydream or write random stories and musings in my notebook. Whenever I actually pay attention to something, I always end up doing worse at it than if I had picked it up in my periphials. Go figure.

I had to google NaNoWriMe to figure out that you weren't talking about some sort of strange, possibly Druidic, ritual involving beans and milking a goat. I suppose that counts as a 'no'. I never submit anything for publishing, commercial or otherwise. I've had a few friends bother me into being published locally on a few things, and done a few poetry readings at the Jazzplex for aforementioned friends and the kickass music. Other than that, I stay away; art for arts sake is enough for me, and I'd like to keep it that way. As for the criticism - well, hell, there will always be those who don't like me for one reason or another, and I figure they can insult or keep away as they please. I'll just keep on writing.


It's not so unfortunate that you don't live in Macon - honestly, you're not missing that much. I love Rose Hill, a few run-down factories downtown, and the Monestary, but other than that there's a severe dearth of anything to do for those of us who actually wish to go out and do something. Fortunately, I do not number amongst those socialites and am perfectly content when left to my own devices. Most days, at least.

AIM demands my attention now. One last parting comment: If you enjoy George R. R. Martin, Starcraft, and Half-life modifications such as Sven Coop and Counter-strike, I will give you a cookie as a reward for your good taste.

-Blake
Posted 3/6/2007 7:23 PM by Weibjunge - reply

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Addendum: Library ladies amuse me. It must be the glasses they all seem to wear; tell me, as an aspiring librarian, is it a conspiracy or just a creepy coincidence that most of the older ladies sport faux gold chains on their glasses?

-Blake
Posted 3/6/2007 7:26 PM by Weibjunge - reply

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Aye, I used to play AOE:II all the time - never multiplayer though, as that was in the days when I was still on a 56K and had no LANbuddies. I moved on from AOE:II to the third installment in the series, and just recently from there to Supreme Commander. Y'see, I'm a major gaming dork - used to work at EB and all that jazz - so for a time I had at my fingertips all the games my grubby little fingers could ever desire to caresss. As I speak, I have within playing distance a computer (obviously), an original Xbox, a PS2, a Super Nintendo, and a Game Boy Advance - in the other room is a Wii and a 360, and I used to have both a PSP and a DS before I sold them to a couple of friends. You could say I'm a bit obsessed with electronic entertainment.

You are a child of an epoch, a daughter of destiny, and the surrogate sister twice removed from the first cousin of fate! Or maybe you're just a person with an upbringing that's carried over, but that's not nearly as fun to say.

Speaking of books, if your mother does not already know, down here in Macon we have an annual old book sale sometime in Feburary, generally around the tail end of the month - the libraries take donations and add to them some retired books from their shelves, and sell them for prices ranging from .25 to $3.00. I managed to procure 44 books this year for $32, including the complete Dark Tower series by Stephen King, The Ring of the Nibelung, and various others.

As I see that you're on AIM, I am going to cut this comment short, go out on a limb, and throw at you musings from my headbox via instant message. You may blow me up later, for amusement or justice; I care not which, so long as my death is a gristly rain of meat confetti and faerie sparkles!

-Blake
Posted 3/6/2007 10:32 PM by Weibjunge - reply


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