| | I hope you had a happy one. I say this with as much sincerity as I can muster. I am an emotionally spent human being, yearning after complete freedom from emotions and emotional attachment. Emotional detachment would make life a breeze, but would it be a life worth living? My life is quickly turning into a mundane pattern, my days defined by work, my nights defined by fellow xangans, my sensitive emotions have been prodded so much that they’re slowly hardening and producing good sized callouses. Is this a good thing, I can't help but wonder? Will I lose my naivety and desire to help the world? Will I become a hardened old lady at the age of eighteen who gives a damn about nothing except for herself?
I want what I want. Everyone does. I don’t like “taking one for the team”, I don’t like looking at things “objectively.” Everything is objective and open for scrutiny. Everyone has different views on things and opinions about how things should be done and how emotions should be handled. Well fuck looking at things objectively, I want things the way I want them to be and nothing will discourage me from that except for maybe myself. I’m an intensely stubborn asshole, but at least I’m honest about the fact.
I’m stubborn, loyal, honest, intelligent, spiteful, and at times vindictive person. I do the things I do because it’s how I want to act, not how my family wants me to act, not how a friend wants me to act, but how I want to act. I base my decisions on my wants and needs. And yet, sometimes I get irrationally pissed off when someone does the same thing. It’s about consideration and respect. Considerate? I try to be to a certain extent, without letting myself be walked over. I sometimes mess that one up, I'm aware. Respect? I’ll give it when its been earned. I’m not a fake person, like I previously stated--I’m an honest, open person. Closed off at times, but only the reason why. I’ve been told that I can be “read like an open book.” This fact irritates me, I have an unsated need to be my idea of perfection. I hate showing weakness, I don't like people I'm not close to knowing I'm upset. I don't want people knowing when something has pissed me off if it doesn't concern them, and above all I don't want to give people a reason to throw something back in my face about something I did in a moment of weakness. Which upsets me even further; Care about their opinions? I shouldn't. So why do I get upset when some opinions are said? When something has been thrown back into my face? According to myself, it shouldn't be worth my time or effort. I don’t trust easily, I believe everyone has a hidden agenda for the things they do, and am often let down by dispensing my trust around. Weakness = Crying. Weakness = anger. Weakness = Spite. Weakness = Arrogance. Weakness = Hate.
I despise weakness.
Crying? I am above it, crying is something emotional girls do when their boyfriend doesn’t pay them enough attention, or when babies need their diapers changed. Anger? Anger is when someone strikes someone to feel superior. Spite? Spite is the feeling you get when you weren’t quite “good” enough in someones opinion and resent the person who was. Arrogance? Arrogance is the trickiest one of all, where is the line between confidence and arrogance? Arrogance is when you truly believe you are better, superior, invaluable. Hate? Hate is the most toxic and works quickly, poisoning your thoughts and dominating your other emotions. Hate is an emotion that is completely useless and unfulfilling, it’s wasteful to yourself, your well being, your peace of mind; being wasteful is a sin.
I don’t know. I wish I had more people I feel like I can turn to. I wish I wasn’t so distrustful. I wish I wasn’t so down on life. I wish I wasn’t so worried about things that are out of my hands. I just wish for one day, my life was normal.
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| | Posted 3/19/2007 2:11 AM - 16 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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